singular dreamer

I've been really stressed the last 2 weeks or so and I don't have a clue why! I'll start crying if I get overwhelmed by insignificant things and have been really tense all over my body. I understand I'm stressed, because that's nothing new, but I've never let it get to me the way it has lately; it's throwing me off and making me confused. I just feel tired and like there aren't enough hours in the day. Am I being held back by this invisible force that doesn't want me to be productive and happy?

But, in good news, today's the last official day of school before finals, and I only have 2 of those- so thank goodness! My show is also closing this weekend, so, again, thank goodness! It's been sorta fun but I'm ready to get it over with, so I can dive 100% into Christmasland. We've been putting up lights and listening to Christmas music, and I love it. I don't know if we're getting a real tree or not, though, because we can't really afford it- we'll see.

Life's good, just a wee bit stressful this time of year. There's a bunch of gifts I wish I could get, for Rhett and myself, but I can't afford it all. I had Thanksgiving dinner with Rhett's family, then dessert with my huge family....
I finally got a new phone- it's pretty. MetroPCS, only $30 a month for unlimited talk and text, hellz yes. That's all I need- to be able to talk without counting the minutes.
I love christmas carols; I'm listening to them on the radio all the time now, and it reminds me of how much I miss them. BTW, I'm in A Christmas Carol at MCC Bradenton, if anyone wants to come see it. It runs 12/4-7 then 12/11-13, it's $10 come and see it!!

rhett and i are at our one year today! yays!!

I have six days to find a different, INEXPENSIVE phone service, 'cause my parents are cutting me off of their plan with just this notice. fantastic.

rhett and i are back together, fyi, those who don't know. it's all better now =)

i have SO much math homework, and now acting hw (who woulda thought, at the end of the semester, just like last year). *nail biting* plus i have to learn this ballroom piece for my dance final- due in 2 weeks. school is stressful, damnit.

the school play is...going. i know all my lines, etc, but we still managed to get yelled at a lot lately. hm.

even with limited free time, i've re-discovered the joy of reading. now i'm getting through vanity fair, which is sorta tough. but since i've picked up books again, it reminded me how much i missed the simple pleasure of turning off the tv and reading. go me!

anyways, ttyl

we broke up and everything sucks.

Everything I do falls and breaks and is no longer important- how I think, what I feel and do. I don't know who I am, and I hang onto a thread. I love him so much it makes me so easily jealous and crazy over nothing. If he never looked at me again, I would cry and sit here forever.

now that i'm out on my own, it's been harder and harder. i feel like frustrations from every angle have hit me all at once. i love my boyfriend, yet it feels like no one in my family can accept that. i'm happy with my decisions, just not the consequences others put on me. it's depressing, but maybe this is just the start of a new and better chapter in my life...... at least, i hope. maybe all these things are for a reason- to test our relationship. we've never been stronger; no matter what life throws at us, and no matter how upsetting it will be sometimes, i won't regret.

and i didn't even get in the school show. do i really suck that much, or was it not meant to be?

moved in with rhett, and now we're starting school again. it's excitin'

my mom and i are in an awkward place.... i forgot to call on my parents anniversary, and i don't think she's happy about it. it's that plus she's upset with my life choices, apparently. i just don't know what to do about her- how can i make her happy?

three days and i'm ready.

I'm doing Almost, Maine (reading) at the VLT tonight- it's free if anyone's interested in coming to see it. I'm glad I could get involved some way this summer, since the rest of the year I have no time. I miss the theatre... But, alas, other life stuff gets in the way.

Anyways, moving in with Rhett countdown is now 13 days!!

i love college scholarships- they give me more money than I actually need for tuition and make me happy =)

moving in with Rhett on the 15th :)

rhett and I went to visit usf today- it's a pretty big campus. i liked it, but he's still not sure if his choice is either gonna be usf or fsu, but time will tell. and usf has a starbucks on campus and a quarter mile off campus. yess, transferring should be no problem
*crossing fingers* i really, really hope rhett and i go to the same college......

Summer has made me lazy and stupid. I like the busy-ness of the school year: shows, work, school. Yes, I love spending more time with my boyfriend, but I need the semester schedule to push me to do the things I need to get done.
Why is it so hard for me to live up to my own standards and to the expectations of people I love?
This whole turmoil with my family is just FUBAR. I didn't think it bothered me that much, until I realized my lack of caring for other obligations stemmed from my lack of caring towards my family. And the last thing I want to do is drive others away because it seems I don't care.

i can't believe I got the highest grade in my class for western civ II. HAHAHA

half-blood prince was a little too long and slow- it wasn't the best of the series, but it was still enjoyable.

I never put stock in dreams because they're usually total nonsense and they don't mean anything important. Dreams are just things our brains think about while our bodies sleep, nothing more. I had a dream the other night I didn't want to have about someone of the past, and it weirded me out. I told Rhett; at first he seemed okay, but then he got all emotional about it. It's just, I'm tired of dragging up the past- I want nothing more than to forget about it forever and never let it come between us again. Why is it though, even with me being the emotional girl, my boyfriend's the one to change his mood in 5 seconds over stuff that doesn't mean anything?

for a lesser men-
the phoenix of my past-
would easily reignite
and a cup of wine
would not easily pass
my lips, but ay no you
i know you are no lesser men-

I've been on a brownie kick this past week. I've always enjoyed making them, but it's been like a "need to bake now" thing with me lately. The bakery manager at one of my jobs (publix) asked me for my availability last week, so ever since then, I've been practicing for it. The unfortunate thing is he said he needed somebody to work nights, and I have rehearsals starting in the fall. I only have 3 available nights- 20 hrs/wk- and I really hope he'll still hire me and work with my schedule. But I'm actually excited to go back to school, get back into theatre and have a class with my boyfriend.
Did I mention how much I love my boyfriend lately? =)-

Last night was good times, good times..... I ate way too much.

My schedule for this fall semester is going to be ridonkulous. Working two jobs and going to school, while trying to fit in theatre of some sort, not to mention time for homework, family and boyfriend, is just SICK. I really don't know how I'm gonna make it work. Bleh.

I would really love to finish this last paper for Intro to Poetry, take my final exam and be done with it. But, alas, things are more complicated and take more time than they seem. This is me- the epitome of a slacker.
And it's making me miss my boytoy a thousand times more... grumble grumble